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Perennial

by Corsicana

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1.
Quandary 05:12
Do you feel it too? When I pull you up the stairs, it’s the weight that’s yours to bear. We burst into my room, we’ve caught the fear between our teeth, trapped it underneath the sheets. You say “it’s best we never leave,” I think you’re feigning your relief. Are you lost in the fervor? You’ll only push further. In all the times you’ve had me stay over, I’ve never felt colder. The fear tastes stale; An old friend loiters in your home. Feel my shame positioned like a weapon. Can you hear it too? Our friends are at the door, seeking shelter from the storm. They won't peer inside, cause they know you drew the blinds. Have you found your peace of mind? We can't harbor our conceit in a sea of our deceit.
2.
Foreground 05:21
Regret. It tears on through and wears me down. It opens up the space between. I wish you’d match your tone with the words that you wrote. Entertain the thought of hearing yourself out. And as I fell, I held your gaze. “Each saving grace three words away,” But you’d push me around just the same. Would you have let it go if I’d carried the blame? In time, we’d share the shame of who and why, consumed by the comfort that’s abound. Why does it always feel like you’re coiled around my throat? Caught between a sense of heartbreak and release. Surround me now, call it out.
3.
Parallax 05:05
I am the quiver in your voice; The reciprocation that you loathe. I am the deliberation in your phrasing; Your invitation scrawled out in fading ink. Trace your fingers down the cracks in my veneer. Behind each, a tremor. I mean it like it sounds. Like when I’m not around, and how you “won’t miss it.” I am a promise hollowed out; The vacancy I can’t keep skin deep. I am a yearning kept unsaid; An aging debt you felt you owed then. Hold me like you care. Start to taper off once I’m in on it. I mean it like it sounds. Like when I’m not around, and how you “won’t miss it.” (You said it was every time I’d spent dodging all your friends and their fraying ends. I still wonder if you’re right about why I left alone that night.)
4.
Reprieve 03:54
I had a dream where we all arrived on time. Where distance doesn't decide, and when our plans won't break in half. Everything would be all right. Can't I take it back in due time? I miss the days before our houses caved in on us. When we were kids with only reason to trust. Before our doubts caught up with us. Cull the best and call it good. Always room to fuck it up. Did I need more faith in my own advice? Should I not revel in my plight? Through you, I met myself again. I begged him to let go, but you’re banking on us both. In time, our grievances will subside. Anguish won't be left astride. And then, at the moment we finally are, we see who we won't be. Can't I take it back in due time? Always room to fuck it up.
5.
Lockjaw 05:37
You’re waving from beneath the crowd, and your face is locking sideways. You’re splitting yourself between them, and can’t keep your shit down. Forced in too late. Unaware of what you crave. Past the blockade, your silence is loudest. I’m toward each word I hide behind. As my teeth break skin, we laugh. I’m waiting for the lapse in stride as my eyes disarm each side. I’ll break your pace. Softly screaming out your name. Each turn I take. Cut the heat and watch me freeze. Forced in too late. Unaware of what you crave. Past the blockade, your silence is loudest.
6.
Animus 03:44
Your candid cries contrive. Clutching limbs like lockjaw; Like picture perfect perennials. Perfected, your yearning yields.
7.
Opaque 05:17
When I woke, you were long gone. You’d held your place for a while. I’d dreamt of a time where I hadn’t managed to push you away. All I stand to lose is wilting fiction, doctored as the panic you disclosed. As we traded sides in a corridor, I had hoped you’d know what to say. I’d call your name in empty homes. Waiting for your love in hand. Does my writing tell of how little I’m worth? Has it become too late to break the pattern now? I hadn't thought of you in all this time, but it reads like atrophy. Tell me all you need. Bittersweet release. Circle round my feet. (Would you have stayed then?) (I know who I want to be. but I know who I can't be.)
8.
Severn 08:07
The weight of failure sticks with the looks you shoot. In the dark, I can't make out what you’re trying to sell. But deal me in, I haven't set a price on myself. Grip your glass, speak of the safety that you’ve found. “Rest easy,” you say, “aren't we all friends?” You drag your feet on your way over. Behind my eyes, a languid terror. And behind every tremor, an honest question. I kept my windows down on the way here, to let December remind me of how it feels to long for warmth. Aren't we all here? Chasing loneliness with our laughter? “Aren't we all alone together?” I said. But who would remember my drunken candor? Each sentence an appeal the length of the severn. “God, you wonder what's ahead. Gouge them from your stead, like you’ve done again and again. Like you define what's next.” Is this the crux of being alive?
9.
Arraignment 04:49
Have you reached the end of your parents’ wealth? Did you breach the subject you never spoke out loud? How many of your friends have you let down? And what about your legacy are you proud of? You’ve arranged your fears in verse. Oh God, have you lost your way out? Don’t you feel you’ll know once you’ve gained enough? All the warmth you bring. All your bank accounts. You’ll still check your phone and pray you’re not alone. And what about what you deserve? Do you? You’ve arraigned yourself in vain. Before long, will you have much left to shout? Pace yourself. Pace yourself, you have so much left to give.

credits

released January 18, 2019

Ben Pisano - Vocals, acoustic/electric guitars, electric/synth bass, keys, organ, synths, drums, percussion, programming/sampling/processing

Amos Chase - Drums (1, 6, 8)

Jordan Leone - Electric bass (1, 4, 6)

Melanie Steinway - Electric guitar (1, 6)

Keenan Goodwine - Trumpet (8)

Lief Sjostrom - Cello (9)

Evan Davis - Ambient synth (8)

Produced, engineered, & recorded 4/27/18 - 8/13/18 by Ben Pisano.
Live drums engineered, recorded, & co-produced 4/27/18 & 4/28/18 by Corey Coffman.

All songs & lyrics written & arranged 7/7/16 - 8/13/18 by Ben Pisano, except Animus, arranged with Amos Chase, Corey Coffman, Jordan Leone, and Melanie Steinway.

Mixed by Corey Coffman.

Mastered by Joe Lambert.

Artwork by Anna Bernard.

Design by Jordan Leone.

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Corsicana Denver, Colorado

hi! ben here. me & my friends make indie rock/dream pop with some added bleep bloops <3

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